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New on Netflix Instant Streaming REVIEW: Nude Nuns with Big Guns

Another Netflix Review guest post from Bryan James Dougherty. Enjoy.

Nude nuns big guns dvd cover netflix

Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010)

Director: Joseph Guzman (Run! Bitch Run!)
Writer: Joseph Guzman, Robert James Hayes II (Run! Bitch Run!, Chingaso the Clown)
Starring: Asun Ortega (Diamond Dwags), David Castro (The Lincoln Lawyer), Perry D'Marco (Interceptor Force), Bill Oberst Jr. (The Secret Life of Bees), Maxie J. Santillan Jr. (Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl)
Genre: Action, Thriller, Rape

Review: A clergy in a ragged town in a desert somewhere is moving heroin (I think it’s heroin). A nun holds out on a drop-off with a biker gang so Chavo (their leader) kills all the nuns but one, who they take and shoot up with heroin and let a father have his way with her. A ‘witch-doctor’ who looks like Tommy Chong saves her from overdosing, and in turn she kills him. The vengeance has begun. After that, continuity or cohesion is fuck all. This film made no sense. It reminded me of a Robert Rodriguez film if Robert Rodriguez used Robitussin as a muse.

In my last review I noted that there were a lot of boobs, which was sort of a lie because it’s mostly just one pair on a loop. But I never knew the meaning of too many tits until I saw this film. If nude women and a homicidal hatred of Christianity is your thing, used tissues are in your future upon watching Nude Nuns.

I don’t mind violence or nudity, however. I didn’t even mind seeing a few priests being murdered because they’re the baddies anyhow. What will make you pull out your grandmother’s rosary is the sheer amount of rape sprinkled throughout. At one point Chavo questions a nun, aged roughly 70, who had taken a vow of silence. Instead of asking for paper and pencil, he asks his steroid-addled buddy to rape the nun. His buddy’s name? Kickstand. It was one of the few times my senses were offended, and I do jokes about infanticide, so gauge accordingly.

This film also has no tact. I was hoping Keenen Wayans would show up to tell me when the meaningful parts started (Re: Don’t Be A Menace…). Pointless dialogue about counting money or peaches mires any meaningful exchange, if there were indeed any meaningful exchanges.

Before I sum this up I have to drop a spoiler because of all the films I’ve seen, this was one of the most ridiculous ones. At the end Chavo is raping this rogue nun’s nun girlfriend (I can’t do this much longer…) as said rogue nun is murdering anyone she sees in the whorehouse the scene takes place in. When she gets to Chavo he backs off her girlfriend claiming that ‘esta bien’ or ‘it’s okay,’ I guess because ‘sorry I was raping this nun’ just seems too formal. Then he gets his dick shot off. Then he yells about it. Then he picks it up and fucking stares at it. Then he is shot to death and the two kiss.

To its credit, the final scene encapsulates the entire film nicely; it is anti-climactic, poorly executed, bloody, rapey, and absolutely insane. There is no reason to watch this movie. It’s not funny or action-packed, nor is it bad-good. It’s just… rapey.

Bryan James Dougherty is a writer and comedian from Chicago, IL. Well, he says so. He and 20SomethingAwesome met on the Ambassador Bridge while selling lollipops for political influence. After a shouting match over how to break change for Ethics Committee clout, the two became quite close. In his free time, Bryan James enjoys lengthy debates on potato soup and labor economics. Check him out on Twitter (@adunkirkspirit) or Tumblr (adunkirkspirit.tumblr.com) He's not boring.

Posted by on June 17th 2012

Bryan James is a man-child from Colorado. He does funny things for the prospect of future monetary income. He is also still single, if you know anyone that desperate. Check him out on Twitter (@NAUGHTicalLife) or Youtube (http://www.youtube.com/user/thenaughticallife) or website (http://naughticallife.wordpress.com/).