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22Nov/11

Movies with the Mikes: A Knight’s Tale



a knights tale dvd cover poster artWell it's Mike (m) and Mike 2 (M2) here, having a couple drinks, watching a film. You might remember my (Mike) write up about A Knight's Tale this past week on a New On Netflix Instant post. We decided it might be fun to “Live Blog” us watching it in separate domiciles. Obviously, the best way to enjoy this post is to pop the movie in, or select play on Netflix, with your laptop, iPad, phone, coloring book, or whatever is in your lap and follow along. If you feel like you’ve got a pretty good grip on the film, hit play on your brain and tune into this.

m: I want to see the movie called A Night’s Tail.

M2: What kind of light is that Columbia chick holding? It’s super bright...

m: Is there much strategy in jousting? It seems easy, move your shoulder, hit the other asshole's shoulder. I must be missing something in this Middle Ages royal game of chess.

M2: I liked Heath Ledger. Why’d he have to go and die? Insensitive? Maybe. But damnit, he was great.

m: I mean, fuck, did you see him in A Dark Knight?! Did you even realize that was him? No, you didn’t, he was that good.

M2: Seriously. Joker. Heath Ledger. Never would have seen it coming. And then he did. Ridiculous good.

heath ledger as the joker in a black knight

m: Queen. The Middle Ages. I mean seriously, this was a match made in heaven. Like butter and cheese.

M2: Phenomenal mix. Also, almost none of these people in the crowd speak English. It was in the special features... Another also, butter and cheese?

m: Inside jokes FTW!

M2: Heath Ledger and facial hair really don’t mix.

m: Wow...that’s a big stick. Also, yes.

M2: Alan Tudyk with red hair. Totally fake. Love it.

m: What is his hair normally? I can’t place him in anything else. I guess in that case I could equate his performance in this to Ledgers in A Dark Knight.

M2: Brown. Blond. Not red. Firefly. One of the greatest shows ever cancelled. Like Arrested Development.

M2: Well there you have it, the strategy is to “get it in the cradle.”

m:Still have been meaning to watch Firefly. I don’t get into Sci-fi stuff too easily though so I’m apprehensive.

M2: Not sure what I’d do with a golden peacock feather... Selling it for Florins sounds okay to me.

m: I’d probably stick it up my butt like McGrubber does to freeze the enemy. I see no other use.

mcgruber with celery up his butt

M2: Seriously Heath, the beard... I get it, you’re trying to look “crummy” but you just look awful.

m: Awful?! You mean dreamy! The ladies love the hippie dread lock hair.

M2: We must have gone to different colleges...

M2: I can’t wait until they meet Chaucer. With his super skinny man butt. Hilarious.

m: I wish I knew what that meant because it made me laugh.

M2: Just keep watching.

m: Did you see my post about this movie how I called it “My most prized VHS movie”? Sadly I’m watching it on this shitty Netflix.

M2: I did. And if I had this on VHS, I would agree with you.

M2: Oh “Low Rider”. Classic.

m: “Low Rider drives a little slower....something something something”

M2: Montage scene. Every good movie has one. He’s gotta get good at jousting some how, right?

m: Too much talking for an actual montage scene. I’m not certain but I think they do a full montage later in the movie.

M2: A “Classy” montage? I mean, yeah, there’s talking, but it follows the same formula. He wasn’t very good at something, then after... 3 minutes of screen time, he’s better, by a lot.

m: Maybe it’s a “tritage” because there are three of them. Sure it has the formula, but it’s something a little more.

M2: Clean shaven. Now we’re talking.

M2: And the skinny man butt.

m: Ha! Forgot he was naked. I haven’t popped this VHS into the ole’ tape deck in a long time. Takes me back to my younger, more simpler days.

M2: Paul Bettany. Love this guy. And him as Chaucer... perfect.

m: Sadly to say, I never got the whole Chaucer thing until I was looking up this movie to write about the other day. I was but a child when I watched this movie over and over again.

M2: Well, I mean, I majored in English in college, so I had to know who he was. I suppose it’s acceptable you did not.

m: Thanks. I ain’t much one for reading words and such.

m: This music seems much more suitable for a royal filled tournament of English Warriors. Fifey, very fifey. Maybe a hint of drum with some horn of some sort.

M2: Renaissance Festival.

M2: “See a man about a dog,” hmm, sounds made up to me.

m: That hat... I just don’t get it. Kinda looks like an oddly shaped, albino dick.

M2: Not flattering and a very strange shape indeed.

white hat jocelyn from a knights tale

M2: Loud, priest man. You are RUUUUUDE. And the monks surrounding him, chanting, what?

m: Wait, did they used to call “babes” foxes? Is that were foxy came from? Jimi should be thankful.

M2: I can only imagine so, because women are so cunning. And conniving.

m: No two adjectives have ever fit them better. Speaking of “them” I think I’d be more interested in the queen’s(?) assistant. Less baggage, probably wouldn’t take 45 min to get ready to go to the grocery store. Plus she is also cute.

M2: She’s no queen. Just some stuck up something or another. And what’s better than waiting to do groceries?

m: I take my grocering very seriously.

M2: This guy likes to be naked. But hey, more power to him for having courage.

m: Yeah if only Gary down the road was considered to have courage instead of being labeled a danger to children everywhere.

M2: The times, they are a changin’.

m: Oh man, his ramblings about Von Lichtenstein are just awesome.

M2: Special features told me that scene was real. Since they audience didn’t know English, they didn’t know they were supposed to cheer. Then they kept it because it was so awesome.

m: Wait, is this montage part 2? The actual montage? Or montage 1.5?

M2: Montage part deux. Fancier.

m: So the first one was classy and this one was fancy(ier)? Got it.

M2: Bingo. You’re beginning to understand.

m: I still feel like I have a lot to learn about the middle ages, montages, rock music, and Chaucer. By the end I shall be a master of them all.

M2: And so you shall.

M2: Oh, Heath, you know exactly what to say to a woman. “Shite with armor.” Perfect.

m: What is up with this guys bitch dude? He looks like such a tool. I bet he got all A’s in early times calculus class.

M2: Eh, it’s the medieval times. Who knows anymore. He does have a falcon on his hands, though. That’s got to give him something.

m: Yeah, maybe I spoke too soon. That Falcon is pretty badass.

m: I’m still infatuated with the assistant chick. What else has she been in? I shall find out.

M2: She’s great. But seriously, Chaucer’s speeches? Phenomenal.

m: Yeah, other than the soundtrack and Heath Ledger, he makes the fucking movie. They are so full of shit, it’s hilarious.

M2: “Protector of Italian virginity.” Hilarious. I’m not sure I can come up with a comment that compliments that so perfectly.

m: You could try something like “Well in the 21st century it’s Silvio Berlusconi who is the “protector of Italian virginity” one 17 year old at a time....that he pays.”

M2: Yeah, or Joe Paterno. Sure, he didn’t actually do all those bad things. But, Italian name. Yikes, kids, be careful. Too soon?

m: Never too soon for a good laugh.

M2: I don’t know. South Park said you had to wait 27 years, was it?

m: Did you see the last South Park? They constantly ripped on Joe Po. Hilarious.

M2: Not yet. That’s what Hulu is for. And yet you still have to watch fucking commercials...

m: Hulu is crap. Go to SoutParkStudios.com where they have it for stream, for free. Now. Then they take the new ones off for a few weeks then they’ll put them back up. Commericals yes, but better than Hulu commericals.

m: What’s the assistants name? Can’t find her on Imdb.com

M2: Chaucer just told me it was Christie... La? Christina? Christina would make more sense.  Christie La is made up.

m: Okay, I’m slow. I thought that was Jocelyn on there. Turns out I put the assistant instead of the main lady on the last post as “starring”. Oh well. Here is Christie La.

M2: Now comes time for this prick guy to become a super prick for real.

m: Flashback time, out of left field.

M2: William’s dad is blind now. Oops. *Spoiler Alert.* That’s how those work, right? You put them after?

M2: Foreshadowing. That Adamar guy is a sonofabitch and Heath Ledger is not. Just wait, world.

m: Heath is kind of an asshole. They started this just a few short days earlier to make money and have food to eat. Now, that he meets this chick, it’s all about the glory? Not cool Heath. Not cool.

M2: Perfectly acceptable. Glory is all you need. Especially when a girl in a silly white hat is concerned.

m: Oh man, the dance scene is coming up. So awesome. I mean, who dances like that?! Put Queen back on!

M2: Green with light green. #Fashionprodigy Yes, that was a hashtag. And yes, it should be trending

M2: Roland is pretty good with the fabrics. That’s a real skill. Last thing I did was in 7th grade Home Ec. I mean, I can sew a button back on, but that’s about it.

m: She almost has future hair going on. That’s not even cool now!

M2: Now I know where Pink got her ideas.

jocelyn from a knights tale crazy hair

M2: Queue the David Bowie. Because he is the obvious choice for this dance. Not sarcasm.

m: The clap. It really should be incorporated into every dance. And into no sexual encounters.

M2: Such a good scene. Fun. Dancing. Blows up in Adamar’s face for trying to screw Heath over.

m: I mean just be yourself. If there is one thing that movies have taught me, that’s how you get the girl. No matter how dumb you look, you’ll be in like Flynn.

So, since we are essentially giant baby men we stopped the movie here for the night. Something about 4 am and dozing off. About 20 hours later, after some rest, some nutrition, and trying to regain the mental state we were in the night before - brain swimming in vodka and having visions of eating gruel and sleeping on hay - we begin once more.

m: Nike!

M2: You think Tiger Woods would have banged her? That’s why he promotes them, eh?

tiger woods just do it i did fake ad

m: It's never too late for a good Tiger Woods joke.

m: Also, is there anything hotter than a chick wielding metal working tools?

M2: I don’t think it gets much better than that.

M2:This part is great. They all laugh at him. He jumps up and destroys. #aintnothinbutagthingbaby

M2: Yeah, the horse started to fall. No animals were harmed in the filming of this... film?

M2: Chaucer is a million times better than this fuckin’ guy.

m: Yeah he should go back to his nerdirey (I can’t spell)

M2: Nerdery? It’s all made up anyway.

m: After thinking Heath was kind of a douche for taking up this whole glory thing before, I gotta respect him for standing up to King (?) Edward. I’m bad at listening and comprehension. Refer to my 7th grade MEAP (Michigan Standards Test) test scores for proof.

M2: Prince. Future king. Well, I mean, Edward was just doing the same thing Heath is doing. Faking who he is so he can compete. He’s got respect.

m: MAD props!

M2: I’d rather have a horse than a flower. Let’s be serious.

m: YOU CALLING THAT MAN A BOY, JOCELYN!?

m: ”It’s called a lance...hello?” One of my favorite lines.

M2: Was going to say the exact same thing. Easily one of the best. Because, yeah, it is a lance. Come on, silly girl... with a flower.

m: So this these tournaments are like a tour, similar to how golf is played? Pretty neat.

M2: Whatever happened to crests? Why haven’t those been brought back yet?

m: Oh, some people still have them, I have seen them on Facebook before. I’m sure in Europe they are still used on a regular basis, much like a...fuck it, I have no idea what I’m saying.

M2: Yeah, but like on our email signatures. We have our name. Why not our family crest? Shit, I don’t even know what mine looks like.

m: Mine is full of swastikas, shower heads, and great artwork by none other than Hilter himself. German last name, what can you do?

neo nazi mug shot with face tattoo

M2: Yikes... Everything good in my life has now been negated. Due only to that statement. Pretty sure just reading that made my heart turn to stone.

m: Just kidding, I’m pretty sure my ancestors came from the German-speaking part of Hungary. And both grandpas were in WWII for the good guys. (Possibly as spies though...I guess we’ll never know.)

m: Back to the movie...In the far future, when I’m “courting” a girl, I’m gonna steal that love letter verbatim. It’s not to be lazy bastard but as a test. Does she know what it is from? If not, we’re done.

M2: Heath’s face is priceless after that kiss. Like half a second to be like, “What the hell?” Then it clicks. You can actually see the moment that it does. Perfect.

m: When he kisses the dude? I’m thinking of a Brokeback joke but having a hard time with it.

brokeback mountain man hug cowboy hats

M2: Yeah, when Alan kisses him. Or whatever his name is in the movie.

M2: “Well the Pope may be French, but Jesus is English.” Roland, is awesome

m: Haha, wait, where was Jesus born?

M2: Bethlehem. Not even close to English. Makes it even better.

M2: Notre Dame. Totally a green screen. The outside shot, anyway.

m: Yeah, the inside looks silly too.

M2: Oh Heath... Your letter was so smooth. But in person. Not working so well :\

m: Wait, is that what I have been doing wrong? Mention their breasts so often? I have much to learn apparently.

M2: You learn something new every day. I’m kind of taken aback as well.

M2: “Then you do not love me.” Ahhh, get over yourself. Let him WIN. #typicalbullshit

m: Her whole attitude to this whole situation kinda makes me mad, that’s why I’m more into the assistant chick. She talks less, therefore says less stupid stuff. Sexist? Maybe. You be the judge. Wait, maybe it’s only sexist because I asked...

M2: “I don’t understand.” “Neither do I.” Yeah, sounds about right.

m: “Oh...he loves me” lol :) smilez

M2: Alan pointing at the blacksmith (I forgot her name... did we ever learn her name?) Hilarious.

M2:  Have we mentioned the soundtrack in this movie? I know the answer is “Yes,” but it’s so good. Anyone who disagrees is wrong.

m: Anyone who disagrees should just move on and get out of here, because you are not wanted. I’m almost ashamed I don’t own the soundtrack on Music Tape, it would go well with my VHS Tape.

thumbs up holding a knights tale

 

M2: Fucking mind games. “You have to lose.” “You have to win.” Bunch of shit. Jumping through hoops.

m: What’s really sad is a minority of girls, in real life, think this is acceptable. I won’t put up with it, which along with many other reasons, is no doubt the reason I’m single.

M2: His neck is broken. He will never walk again. Cool grind on the rail though.

skateboard rail grind in the grass

m: I hope he waxed it good beforehand. That’s what skaters do, right? They wax?

m: “He’s quick! He’s funny! He makes me lots of money! Lichtenstein! Lichtenstein!”

M2: I know surfers do. You always hear about board wax. I would assume skateboarders do, too. It would make sense. But, alas, I never went that route.

m: I want that jacket, it’s the right amount of leather and the right amount of fur. For the male who is comfortable in his own skin...and your farm animals.

m: Sex! I hope he’s wearing some lamb skin on his foreskin. If you know what I mean!

M2: Definitely implied here. Sounds like you’re talking about condoms, but I can’t quite piece it together.

m: No doubt the implication was there. There was implications all over the place in that scene.

M2: You mean stains that can only be found with a black light? Not urine. Not blood.

m: Yes.

m: These flashbacks almost seems out of place in the movie. I mean at the end they all come together, but they seem too serious for the movie.

M2: Sentiment. A movie’s gotta have heart. Like Gene Hackman said.

gene hackman and reeves the replacements

M2: ...unless it’s a Michael Bay movie.

m: I don't know, the sentiment was just OOZING of Bad Boys, and Bad Boys II.

m: “Boys Are Back In Town”, before it was remade. Classic.

M2: It was remade? Thin Lizzy. Loved this one in Rock Band. Back in my guitar gaming days.

m: Yeah but that one band, back when we were in HS....wait, maybe I’m making things up.

M2: You might be thinking of “Boys of Summer”. Remade by the Ataris. If so, I know exactly what you’re talking about. 

m: Yuuuup. I’m an idiot.

M2: Rufus Sewell. This guy always plays a pretty good prick. And that eye...

M2: Can I just say that I love this movie? I always have. Phenomenal. It’s got everything. Funny, serious, love, fucking GREAT soundtrack, great actors; All the elements needed.

m: Yes, you may. I think I might just say it again too. I. Love. This. Movie.

m: One of my dreams, getting recognized by some random girl on the side of the road.

M2: Does she have an English accent? In your dreams?

m: Well seeing how every person in everyone of my dreams has an English accent, yes, she does.

M2: Oh SNAP. He’s blind. I spoiled that like 100 lines ago. Maybe more. Counting is hard.

m: Blind but still weaving and sewing and fishing, or something.

M2: A fishing net. Here’s more of that heart I was talking about.

m: Oh shit, I’m about to tear up.

M2: Yeah. This is touching. For real.

m: Is it just me, or does his dad look like the now Christan image of Jesus (even though we all know he was not white).

M2: His hair is too gray. Jesus doesn’t have gray hair. He never ages. Also, he’s super muscular. WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S NOT WHITE?!?!?!?!?! Blasphemer!

m: True and true.

m: Wait, do they get into the story of how the child and father separated? Once again, 7th grade reading comphrenshion MEAP scores...

M2: Actually, I don’t think so. If so, I definitely missed it.

M2:  Oh shit. The turn in the movie. How is the hero going to get past this? Seriously though, I love this movie.

m: From the strength and knowledge he has learned from his “mentor” thus far he can overcome his “road block”? You know like Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey (which this movie follows perfectly).

M2: Again I ask, Why the fuck is Heath Ledger dead? If he’s this good at so young, imagine him 10-15 years from now. Tragedy.

M2: I’m glad he didn’t run. The prince totally saves his ass. *Spoiler Alert*

m: “I came here to compete” “You are here to be arrested” Another awesome line.

M2:  “You have been weighed. You have been measured. And you have been found wanted.” I love how this comes back to bite him in the ass. Fucking Adamar.

m: Well yeah, he’s the bad guy....

m: Throw the Cabbage!!!

m: Do I feel a speech coming on???

M2: Get ready. Chaucer, start shouting those beautiful words. Oh but you can’t, the prince is here.

m: Oh man, this Prince Edward has a nice jacket on too. A little more fur, but a nice ratio between, fur, leather, and cryptic writings.

M2: These people have LITerally, no idea what he’s saying. Special features. #ChrisTraeger.

M2: He’s been knighted. How touching. Seriously.

m: I’ve been touched too. I spent a summer at a Penn State camp for boys...

M2: I heard that Jerry Sandusky helped edit this movie. That’s why it’s so touching. #LITerallypeopleslivesareruinedbecauseofhim #apologiestoallofthosepeople

m: Well back to the movie...Seems this is the the Joust match we have all been waiting for. The horns are horning, the horses are horsing, and the jousters are in the cradle position.

M2: If i had to do a report on this movie, I would say this is the climax. Not like in an orgasm sort of way, but like a story sort of way. Although, I could definitely see an orgasm happening at this point. This is really good.

m: Yeah for sure, what we are watching now is the pre-cum. In a few minutes we are about to hit full climax when Heath blows that man off his horse.

M2: “He’s tipped it.” Yeah, in my experience, that’s usually when the girl gets mad too.

m: That guy is kind of a pussy, Heath didn’t even have his joust and he couldn’t knock him off. I’ve been saying Heath the whole time and I have no idea what his character's first name is.

M2: His real name is William. His fake name is Sir Oleric von Lichtenstein. His real real name is Heath Ledger. I’m okay with referring to him as Heath. Pretty sure I have been the entire time as well.

M2: Time to make this as dramatic as possible. Seriously, I may be poking fun, but I love this movie. It’s just the cynic in me talking.

m: SPEECH! SPEECH!

M2: “Sir William Thatcher!” This is where the heart really comes in. If my tear ducts weren’t totally dry from skinning a bear and shaving with just a knife, I would be crying.

m: Oh shit, he’s going no helmet.

M2: Zoom in shot. This. Just. Got. Serious. And the spit. Seriously serious.

m: Wait, how is this guy half way down the track before William even starts?

M2: Movie time. It’s a subject of quantum mechanics.

m: Did he just yell his own name?

M2: He did. That drives the nail into the coffin. Because he wasn’t ‘technically’ allowed into any of these tournaments until like 7 minutes ago.

m: Fair point.

m: “You have been weighed. You have been measuered and you have absolutely been found wanted. Welcome to the new world.” Throwing it right back in Adamar’s face. Take that bad guy.

m: The kiss? Oh yeah, The kiss.

M2: Green screen. The zoomed in shot. It really looked like it. Which doesn’t make any sense. Maybe my eyes are foolish?

m: That’s just the tricks of movies.

M2: That was a green screen.

M2: “All Night Long” into the credits. Definitely sex implied there.

m: A quick ending there.

M2: That’s what she said (sorry)

M2: Yeah, that happened a lot faster than I remember.

m: I mean I feel cheated a little bit, I feel like there was something more that we could explore and enjoy basking in his glorious victory.

M2: More Queen. Yes. Thank you. Wait, this is a cover? WTF? You cannot cover Freddie Mercury. That’d be like impersonating Wayne Gretzky or Frank Sinatra.

M2: Jesus, this is terrible. Soundtrack was absolutely perfect until this. Seriously.

m: I’m watching till the end to see who did this, so I can find them, throat them, and make the world right once again.

M2: This LITerally almost ruined the movie.

m: Oh man it’s almost here....Robbie Williams?! WHO THE FUCK IS ROBBIE WILLIAMS?!

M2: He’s actually pretty big in the UK. The one song that comes to mind is “Rock DJ.” Does not forgive this. Not one bit. This is an absolutely terrible rendition.

m: Wikipedia: “2001: RobbieWilliams on vocals with Queen (May/Taylor) for the soundtrack of the 2001 film Knight'Tale” Why not just use the original? I don’t get it.

m: OMG extra shit at the end where they are farting!

M2: That was awesome.

M2: Was it just me, or were those credits over really quickly?

m: Yeah, they really were. Almost too quick.

M2: So, I was watching this on the Blu-Ray, and the song during the menu screen is Sabotage by Beastie Boys. This is actually pretty awesome.

m: What. The. Fuck. That is awesome, but couldn’t make any less sense.

M2: Not one bit. I totally agree with you. However, somehow it really, really works.

m: I believe you because Queen, ACDC and every other 70’s rock song worked very well throughout the movie

M2: It’s like it somehow worked in the 2009 remake of Star Trek. Or the trailer anyway. Honestly can’t remember if it was in the movie or not.

m: I couldn’t tell you.

Final Thoughts:

M2: So, we’ve got Heath Ledger, who would have been amazing, and an entire cast that supports him oh so well. I’d even argue that he was not the best part of this movie. What I can say is this, I’ve loved this movie from the first time I watched it until now - which is such a high number that I don’t even know - and it will continue to be great every time I watch it. As far as this experience? “Live blogging” a movie is seriously one of the most fun things I’ve ever done.

m: As far as movie experiences go I would have to rate this one as Very High, on my all time list. I never thought typing 16 pages of commentary while also trying to enjoy the movie and drink was possible but it was. Are there better movies? Sure. Are their funnier movies? Sure. But, are there any better to watch with some friends and pretend you are in Middle Ages Europe? No. I think we all learned a little about not only this awesome “Tale” of a movie but a little bit about ourselves. I hope you feel the same way.

After this, it pretty much derailed into babbling nonsense. Oops. We hope you enjoyed reading our commentary as much as we enjoyed making it. We had so much fun doing this and would love to do it again, so depending on how well-received this is, we will give it another go. Then again, drinking, watching movies and commenting on them is fun, so regardless of whether you like it or not, we're going to keep doing it. Any suggestions for the next movie would be great, too.

Thanks for making it this far. A treat for you.

Posted by on November 22nd 2011

Mike is the owner and operator of 20 Something Awesome.