Netflix Instant Review: Jenifer

This is a guest post by Bryan James Dougherty. See below for more information about him.

Jenifer-Masters of Horror (2006)

Director: Dario Argento (Once Upon a Time in the West, Opera)
Writer: Steven Weber (Wings, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip)
Starring: Steven Weber, Laurie Brunetti (Rampage, My 5 Wives), Carrie Fleming (Good Luck Chuck, Married Life)
Genre:  Horror, Thriller, Bad
Run Time: 58 minutes
Ratings: IMDB – 6.4/10, Rotten Tomatoes - NA%, Netflix – 2.9/5

Review: I love horror films; really gruesome, really twisted horror films. I try explaining to people that I like them because they are manifestations of the violent human condition that exists today, but it comes out a jumbled mess of ‘I do Pee Wee Herman’s in your movie theaters.’ This is what led me to Jenifer, a Master of Horrors piece about how everyone is beautiful, including predatory mutants. (Christina Aguilera would be proud)

At just under an hour, the movie goes in to great lengths to make it seem like a feature length. Not with gripping dialogue or intense scenes, but with TITS! Married tits, mutant tits, mutant tits, and mutant tits!! All kinds of tits. I would see less sex if I watched porn for an hour at a Best Buy. Then there’s the slow reveal in to exactly how ugly Jenifer really is. But you don’t really think about that when you do finally see her wretched face, because you’re too busy staring at TITS! She has a smoking body, too. Which is good because Frank (Steven Weber) is obsessed with it. I wouldn’t blame him, either; his wife is kind of a bitch. Plus, she hates anal. I bet Jenifer doesn’t hate anal.

What Jenifer does seem to hate, though, is cats. Cats and little Asian girls. Did I mention Jenifer eats things? Cute, innocent, living things because if Jenifer can’t be beautiful she will disembowel those who are. It’s the mutant code, or something. After a night of drinking, Frank comes home to find, Amy, the lovable girl next door being eaten from the inside out by his cleft-lipped mistress. He has the exact reaction I would, which is to scream ‘What did you do?!’ for the next ten minutes and then cry.

Then sell her to the circus. What creative fucking geniuses. But the best part is the scene itself takes less than a minute, then he promptly changes his mind. I can’t think of a better reason other than because sex in a dirty cabin seemed like a better idea. Then he gets a job, stuff happens, the end. You have to watch the rest of the film. I can promise you it is worth it, especially the random bonfire scene.

It is bad but it is comically bad, the same way Wings was comically bad but without Tony Shalhoub eating the customers. As far as bad movies go, this one doesn’t break in to The Room or Birdemic, but fans of humourously bad films will appreciate it’s dead-pan dialogue and lack of direction.

Bryan James Dougherty is a writer and comedian from Chicago, IL. Well, he says so. He and 20SomethingAwesome met on the Ambassador Bridge while selling lollipops for political influence. After a shouting match over how to break change for Ethics Committee clout, the two became quite close. In his free time, Bryan James enjoys lengthy debates on potato soup and labor economics. Check him out on Twitter (@adunkirkspirit) or Tumblr (adunkirkspirit.tumblr.com) He's not boring.